I am not the mom that:

~sews buttons back on, hems, knits, crochets, etc.
~bakes from scratch
~looks her age
~acts her age
~dresses her age
~acts appropriately
~cooks
~does arts & crafts
~plays board games
~takes shit from other moms

~decorates obsessively for holidays
~gives haircuts at home
~believes that talking about sex makes kids have it
~puts your father (or the "man" in my life) before you
~carries a "mom" purse
~irons
~is selfish

(OK-I baked when I had 1 kid)