Thursday, August 20, 2009
Is that me?
in the mirror? In that bathing suit? In that thong? When in the hell did my ass morph into THIS? I hate being a hypocrite. I would tell any other woman (and mean it) that they were beautiful just the way they are. To embrace their stretch marks, flab, cellulite, curves, breasts deflated by feeding our young, etc. But telling myself is proving to be difficult. I tried explaining it to my SIL the other day. I was skinny my whole life. Annoyingly so. I never worked out & ate anything & everything I wanted. When I got preggo with my daughter I was a size 4. After having her I was a 6 or an 8. As I changed careers & started sitting on my ass I slid into a 10. A nice, comfortable, 144 lb. size 10 when I got preggo a 2nd time. After pregnancy at age 32-33, bedrest & sitting on my fat ass again as a student I stayed a 12. WHICH IS AVERAGE! But I feel "fat" The issue however is that I forget I am big. It's like I am the skinny bitch in my head & then I go to get dressed & it's like WHOA sista-you can't go there! It's very odd. My man loves my curves, our sex life is amazing & I could weigh 300 lbs. & never feel un-sexy around him. But for the 1st time in my life I avoided doing something because I didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit. First, in Alex Bay I kept my cover-up on when I went into the pool. Payback for all those women I made fun of that wore a t-shirt over their suit while swimming. Then I dreaded going to the beach with my family because my bathing suit was making me ill. I must vanquish this thin concept & find peace with my larger, flabbier self.
~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville