Crazy As A Shithouse Rat

Crazy As A Shithouse Rat

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Is that me?


in the mirror? In that bathing suit? In that thong? When in the hell did my ass morph into THIS? I hate being a hypocrite. I would tell any other woman (and mean it) that they were beautiful just the way they are. To embrace their stretch marks, flab, cellulite, curves, breasts deflated by feeding our young, etc. But telling myself is proving to be difficult. I tried explaining it to my SIL the other day. I was skinny my whole life. Annoyingly so. I never worked out & ate anything & everything I wanted. When I got preggo with my daughter I was a size 4. After having her I was a 6 or an 8. As I changed careers & started sitting on my ass I slid into a 10. A nice, comfortable, 144 lb. size 10 when I got preggo a 2nd time. After pregnancy at age 32-33, bedrest & sitting on my fat ass again as a student I stayed a 12. WHICH IS AVERAGE! But I feel "fat" The issue however is that I forget I am big. It's like I am the skinny bitch in my head & then I go to get dressed & it's like WHOA sista-you can't go there! It's very odd. My man loves my curves, our sex life is amazing & I could weigh 300 lbs. & never feel un-sexy around him. But for the 1st time in my life I avoided doing something because I didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit. First, in Alex Bay I kept my cover-up on when I went into the pool. Payback for all those women I made fun of that wore a t-shirt over their suit while swimming. Then I dreaded going to the beach with my family because my bathing suit was making me ill. I must vanquish this thin concept & find peace with my larger, flabbier self.
~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

5 comments:

hilary, no-longer-anything-other-than-mommy-clark said...

I like this. I really, really like this. I want to eat what I want, what makes me feel full and happy, and be happy with whatever results, but I'm not there yet either sister.

Heather said...

Isn't it wonderful to know that someone else understands? What a journey...finding my mommy-self. It's like B.C. and A.D. Except B.M. (before motherhood) & A.M.

Heather said...

Great post! I can relate! I went from a size 6 to a size 16 with this pregnancy! Talk about weigt gain! I'm now back down to a 12, but I'm still big... but like you, I sometimes forget that I'm not a size 6.... Thank goodness I have to walk by a mirror on the way out of my bedroom!!!

Heather said...

The only full length mirror in our house is on the back of the kids' door (it came w/the house) so I rarely see myself in a mirror..maybe that's the problem...lol

Lisa said...

Take the darn cover up off and if you dont like what you see you can change it. you of all determined people!!