Crazy As A Shithouse Rat

Crazy As A Shithouse Rat

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Discovering old friends again... there anything better? You lose someone only to discover years later why you got along so well. Maybe you had a fight, or one of you moved. Maybe life got in the way. Whatever the reason, fate (what else could it be?) brings you back to each other. I lost my friend Pam for years. We would run into each other & be friendly but we never made plans. Finally, we went out for her most recent b-day. I thought she was mad at me for something (really stupid) and I was wrong. We talked for hours. Our daughters are just about the same age and in the same grade. We are both loud, rude & obnoxious (at times). We love sex, swear like truckers & drink like fish. When all is said & done-we are moms first. And if I need someone to vent to or call at 2 am-I know Pam will answer & she knows I would reciprocate. (I hope). This was kind of a safe, generic (possibly corny) post. But it's how I feel right NOW! ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Time Flight

What was I doing before I had kids? And why did I waste so many years doing it? I cannot handle that my Ali is nearly 6 & a 1/2 while my "baby" Kai is 16 months and counting. I want to freeze time. I want to always be their rock. Their #1. To cuddle, to kiss & hug. I am having a moment with this:
How does someone handle this? How does someone lose a child & not start shooting people in the face? Or become a drug addict? How can they BREATHE?
God-I wasted soooo many years thinking I had it all figured out. Thinking I wrote the book on "How to have the worst life...ever". Poor, poor pitiful me. This story of this family-that is stress. Not your kid puking on you, or someone cutting you off or even losing your job...there is nothing worse than watching your child suffer and I want to make a vow t day to try a little bit harder. To live in the moment, to yell less, to snuggle more, to not let petty shit bring me to a place I don't need to visit. Hug your little ones tonight-
~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How do other women do it? Not lose their temper? Not fail at keeping a clean house? Make healthy lunches? Do art & crafts? Do puzzles? Bake? Fuck...cook? Have a life of their own? Socialize? Not swear in front of their children? Shave their legs? Shave their beaver? Find time to get their hair/nails/toes did? Find time for their man? Or woman? I am feeling stretched too thin..... ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Friday, July 17, 2009

My girl

I love my daughter. I wanted a girl. It just had to be a girl. I gave her the name I always wanted. I gave her my maternal grandmother's name as her middle name. The strongest, smartest woman I have ever known. I was intoxicated from the moment she was born. I would hold her & just bawl-she was so beautiful. And mine. How was it possible? That I created this perfect creature? Her personality is so contagious. A creative, free, honest spirit. She believes in good & cannot fathom bad. Her imagination is beyond what most can fathom. Her love a gift. Oh but do we bump heads. So different, yet just alike. As she gets bigger (taller anyway) I yearn to rewind time. But I am trying to embrace the new her. The school-aged Ali who can read, converse & do even more. I start to worry about bullies, her self-esteem & boys. How do I protect her without a bubble? Without crushing her dream of a perfect, loving world with a dose of reality and lessons learned?

~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Letting go...

I have trouble letting go. Not of people, but of their words. I hate that feeling when you come up with the perfect response, 2 hours later. Something witty, appropriate and right. I tend to replay conversations in my head...over...and over. Or plan them. Like if I ever talked to my "husband". I would not want to say much-just say it well. I would like to think I don't give a fuck what others think. But I don't like to be wrong. And I prefer to have the last word. I abhor looking stupid. And competitiveness has become a stronger force since going back to school. Why do we let petty comments & people get to us? Offer them free space in our heads? I am going to make a concentrated effort to not give a fuck. Or give less of a fuck. Whatever. I want bad-ass Heather back. Just because I am a mom and VP of the PTO does not mean I won;t kick your ass.
~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Sunday, July 12, 2009


I do not know everything. I do not have the "patent on excellence." I am far from perfect. I am no better than anyone else. If you read my blog & don't like what you see...CLOSE THE FUCKING TAB. This is MY space to say what I want. I am here to share & learn-not preach & whine. If you know me at all you know whining is not my style. I bitch, command, swear & vent. If you dislike me or this blog that is YOUR problem not mine so please don;t bother sharing how you feel because I honestly don't give a fuck. If you like what you see please become a follower and share your thoughts by commenting. I could use an ego boost today. Oh wait-never mind-I am a conceited, crazy, wanna be with all the answers. Cliche as it may be-people who live in glass houses should not throw stones". Look in the mirror before you attack another human being. ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Saturday, July 11, 2009

This is me

..accepting my fate as a domestic goddess.
~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I need suggestions...

...on how to get divorced in this lifetime. I filed for divorce 2 years ago. $1500 later I am still "married". Following is a list of what I have tried so far-without success: ~withholding sex-for the entire marriage ~being a complete bitch ~taking down all the wedding photos ~making him sleep on the couch for 95% of the marriage ~kicking him out without explanation (the cops made me though-very long story for another blog post) ~changing locks ~getting back together with the father of my eldest child ~having another baby with said father ~bettering myself by going back to school ~graduating with a 4.0 and obtaining a job ~speaking to him ONCE in 2 years Please help me before I go even more insane. ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My Period

You can die from cramps. I might get preggo JUST so I can not have my period for at least a year. I am eating Tylenol w//codeine like Pez. Fuck everyone & everything. I feel like I am in labor (back labor). Bitch. Cry. Whine. Boo-Hoo. ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Take me out... the ball game
I actually fucking enjoyed myself. We had great seats by home plate so we were protected from flying balls. We ate like pigs, drank beer & genuinely enjoyed each others' company. We were there FOREVER. We left the house around 5:45 pm & didn't get home until midnight! The kids were so well behaved. Ali was determined to NOT have a good time and even she was won over. Kai clapped & cheered along with the fans. The people were (oddly) nice and accommodating. The woman next to me didn;t mind when I bumped into her while bouncing Kai around. Plus her view for much of the game was my plumbers crack as I was turned to face Kai, Ali & Daddy. The usher took our picture. We have like 3 pictures of all 4 of us. The large scary man in front of us was even understanding when Kai kept kicking his hand which was on the back of the seat in front of us. The fireworks were amazing, Princess Ali was enthralled. Kai had a love/hate relationship with the "boom-booms". There was a slight altercation on the way to the ballpark involving someone daring to throw a rock at our minivan assuming we were nice, scared, quiet folks who allow that kind of shit to slide. But we won;t get into that right now. ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Is it wrong... NOT want to be a mom for just 5 minutes? And do men know how to pack to go anywhere?

~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Friday, July 3, 2009

Target is the Devil

I just spent $453.05 at the big, bright store (they have EVERYTHING). It wasn't all fun. $20 on diapers & wipes. Some cute t-shirts for Kai. (OK the t-shirts were fun). $25 on cleaning products (no fun at all). A swim cover-up because I frighten myself. Oh, 4 books=$46. Have not done that in awhile. water, candy, lifesavers. all the "dorm" stuff is fabulous & cheap. several "home" organization items. tampons (no fun there). Princess Ava's b-day gifts. a dump truck for Kai (which I just realized I was over charged for). gardening tools for Ali & Kai. 15 items from the $1 spot. You should go. ~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Ode to Sleep~

I once knew you well.
Now I have gone to sleep deprived hell.
Someday we shall meet...
...under the sheet.
All we need now is Ambian and a sitter...
..I am not a quitter
I will sleep more than six hours a night fore I die.

~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I am irritated. My boobs hurt. I am getting over a nasty bug that caused me to vomit for 2 days straight. My house is trashed. I woke up to 72 e-mails, 22 texts & 5 voice mails. I went into work & was greeted with; "Why are you here, you look like shit?" I have a stack of mail and Barnes & Noble sent my order-in 8 separate boxes?!
I have PMS and I'm proud. If men had PMS and subsequently-periods; they would have 2 weeks off (paid) each month. I still have a headache (since Sunday) and a few of my close friends are going through hell. I am venting and I am proud.
I feel old. I am questioning this whole "work" thing. I am questioning this whole "baby" thing.
My love to my fellow B*I*T*C*H*E*S.

~Queen Crazy Mum of Insanityville